“We cannot sit idly by and eat our delicious chocolates while the United States government engages in a policy of harassment,” Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt said in a nationally televised address to the Belgian people. “Now is the time for action. We cannot waffle.”
Belgian intelligence sources indicate that the US is in possession of weapons of mass destruction—chemical, biological, and nuclear. “We know that the United States has nuclear weapons and that they have actually used them in the past,” said the prime minister. “There is no reason to think they won't use them in the future.”
Verhofstadt is insisting that United Nations weapons inspectors be given “unfettered access to the massive stockpiles” of weapons and that they be destroyed immediately.
“We stand at the crossroads,” said Verhofstadt. “Either the United States agrees to our demands, or we will be forced to put down our delicious chocolates and lead the way for permanent regime change. Remember, the current clique in Washington was elected in direct contravention of the will of the American people. Regime change will be welcomed by their citizens.”
Reaction to the speech throughout Europe was swift. “We stand with our Belgian brothers,” offered French President Jacques Chirac. “France is willing to commit 35 troops and many cases of fine champagne to the cause. We cannot stand on the sidelines enjoying our tasty baguettes while our comrades from Antwerp go it alone. Let me assure the dear prime minister. France is with you, almost.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin did not mince words. “Again, it is the powerful Belgians who must lead the world against aggression and American hegemony. Russia stands with her European allies and insists that the United States disarm unilaterally. I only wish we too had delicious foods.”
Following the speech, the mood at the White House was one of defiance. “Let the Belgians make their empty threats,” said White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer. “We are urging Hershey, Mars, and other fine American chocolate makers to increase their output by 200 percent. We intend to break up the evil-doing Belgian chocolate cartel once and for all.”
Vice President Dick Cheney was even more bellicose. Speaking directly underneath Karl Rove from an undisclosed underground bunker, the vice president warned of dire consequences should Belgium make a preemptive strike.
“We are prepared to strike back with alarming force,” said Cheney. “The Belgians cannot bully us. We here in America have God on our side. To hell with their chocolate.”
Back in Washington, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice were trying hard to persuade President Bush that there is indeed a country named Belgium.
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