The Equal Rights Issue Facing Straight Couples (in Bed)

Folk history tells us that an equal-rights issue was at the heart of one of the origin stories of Valentine’s Day. In the third century, Saint Valentine defied the Roman authorities and officiated over the weddings of soldiers who were denied the marriage rights given to non-soldiers. He was executed for his defiance and became a martyr in whose honor we now celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Fast forward to the present, and there’s a different love-related equal-rights issue worth remedying this Valentine’s Day—orgasm inequality. This double standard often exists in heterosexual relationships where men feel entitled to get their orgasmic jollies in any and all encounters, while they consider a woman’s orgasm optional—a nice bonus if it happens, but not essential to feeling sexually satisfied. Given that orgasmic sex is a sublime source of human pleasure and has health and well-being benefits, both sexes should feel equally entitled to it. This should be especially true on Valentine’s Day, when sweethearts show the love they have for each other by making love.

Let’s start off with some data to get things straight (pun intended). Research shows the orgasm gap is real and largely unique to heterosexual, cisgender relationships. David Frederick and his team at Chapman University examined orgasm frequency across sexual identities and discovered that heterosexual cisgender women were the least likely to say they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate (65%), especially compared to heterosexual cisgender men (95%). Both gay men (89%) and lesbian women (86%) reported higher frequencies of orgasms compared to their straight counterparts. These numbers hold firm across many studies, at least for women who are intimate with an ongoing, monogamous partner. Hook-up sex is less orgasm-friendly for both parties: Data shows that orgasm frequency for women having casual sex is about 32%, as opposed to about 82% for men.

Luckily, there’s nothing that categorically dooms straight women to less frequent orgasms than their male partners. Valentine’s Day provides a timely opportunity for straight couples to take up this issue in their own relationships. Here are some ideas on how to do that:

Embrace Equal Entitlement to Orgasm

The Golden Rule applies in bed every bit as much as it does in life: Treat others as you would have them treat you. If straight cisgender men feel entitled to an orgasm—meaning they believe they are inherently deserving of this form of delight—then it logically follows that so, too, do the women they’re sleeping with. If loving partners consensually agree to make love, there is a mutual healthy obligation to increase the pleasure that can be obtained from it, as receiving pleasure often ignites a desire to give pleasure in return. Not to mention, giving pleasure can itself be a pleasurable act that increases everyone’s enjoyment. But there is an important caveat: Cisgender male and female sexual arousal processes are not identical, and there are some distinct ways cis women need to be treated if orgasmic sex is in the cards.

More Clitercourse With the Intercourse

Let’s toss out the tired stereotype that the female orgasm is some elusive mystery. Studies show that upward of 90% of cisgender women are able to climax while masturbating—and fast, in an average of 8 minutes! This tells us that something about the bedroom dynamics of straight couples is resulting in legions of women getting shortchanged. Obviously, women need more than correct technique to get off. It’s common knowledge among sex researchers that female sexuality tends to be more “responsive” than the male variety—it’s tied to mood, restful sleep, feeling loved and wanted, and being treated kindly. Any deep dive into the orgasm gap would need to untangle these nuances. But at a surface level, what injustices are occurring in the bedroom that deny women their equal right to sublime sexual pleasure?

Nowadays most men are diligent enough to get the mechanics of sex right as far as tending to their female partner’s clitoral desiderata. High numbers of straight men give oral sex to their female partners—79%, according to The Normal Bar. A typical straight guy cares about women’s pleasure—so the orgasm gap is more a matter of him being misguided in how he doles that pleasure out. The problem is a phallocentric one. Many men turn what should be “clitercourse” into intercourse. Too many men approach foreplay as if it is a laborious step to prepare the vagina for penetration. They are either ignorant of or forget that for most women, clitoral stimulation—with tongue, fingers, or toys—is not the appetizer, but the main course. They confuse the time it takes for them to reach orgasm with what their female partner should need to get her goodies. Sexpert Laurie Mintz spells out what should be obvious, but somehow isn’t: “It takes women a lot longer to reach orgasm with a partner than men … 15 to 45 minutes versus two to 10 minutes.”

Quality sex is a labor of love that takes time. Female orgasms are not elusive. Heterosexual cisgender women are every bit as capable of experiencing orgasm through partnered sex as they are through self-pleasuring—that is, if their heterosexual cisgender male partners don’t fall into the trap of assuming that penis-in-vagina sex alone is the gateway to female orgasm. According to Mintz, only about 5% of women orgasm through thrusting alone, whereas 92% of women are able to orgasm when provided with 20 or more minutes of clitoral stimulation.

If pursuing orgasm equality this Valentine’s Day as a step toward equal rights isn’t compelling in itself, the proven health and well-being benefits of orgasmic sex might settle the score. Findings from the Longevity Project, which analyzed health outcomes of people first recruited as far back as the 1920s, showed that female participants with greater lifetime frequency of orgasmic sex tended to live longer than their less-gratified female counterparts. Frequent orgasms have even been linked to a more youthful appearance. A 2000 study by Scottish psychologist David Weeks, who interviewed people over a 10-year span, discovered that both the males and females in his sample who had sex 50% more regularly looked anywhere between five and seven years younger in age. He credited this to how orgasms release a cascade of human growth hormones that elasticize and rejuvenate the skin.

So science tells us that orgasmic sex can not only make you quiver with delight, but also make you look younger and live longer—more reasons to embrace equal entitlement to sexual climax. Straight couples have an opportunity this Valentine’s Day to make the political very personal by focusing on what is a neglected woman’s rights issue—orgasm equality.

Enrico Gnaulati, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California. His work has been featured on Spectrum News, Al Jazeera America, public radio stations nationwide, Salon, The New Yorker, and The Atlantic. His latest book is Flourishing Love: A Secular Guide to Lasting Intimate Relationships.

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